Everything...

Today I have realized that i have not written in a while, and for that I apologize. Today, well for the past few weeks really, I have been struggling with home life. Most of you already know this, but it is not getting any better. All I keep thinking about is the trip and how badly I wish that I could be with every one of my family members that I met three months ago. I still don't understand. Why is all of this so difficult? I can understand having moments of depression over all that I have been through. But CONTINUAL depression is not something that I realized would happen. I keep thinking that I can get through this. I keep thinking that everything is getting better. But then something small triggers me into the dwelling of what I had experienced the last summer and I cannot but feel isolated and alone. I have never felt so alone in my life. And it's not like I can just go into town and hang around my friends there, because since I got back, I found that I had lost every single friend that I had before I left. It is not that I am completely complaining about this because in this stage of my life, I do not entirely mind not having friends. Because in reality, all i want is my friends/family members that are all now scattered across the United States. I wish that things were different. I wish that by now a month after I said goodbye that things would start to progress. But they haven't. I am just a girl who has gotten her whole world ripped out from under her; and the worst part is that the enemy JUST WON'T leave me alone. Every vulnerable spot in my life he keeps pounding away at, and half the time I don't know how to handle it. I know that God is the same God that was in Europe with me, but sometimes I feel like I just can't connect with Him. I feel like I am so far from deliverance that is is ridiculous. I wish that it were not true, and at the end of the day I still hold on to the hope that He has placed in me. But there are days when I feel like I am far from strong enough. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I am weak and He is the only strength that can save me. I just pray that that day of rescue happens soon enough. Because I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

I am not writing this so that you could feel sympathy for me, trust that that is not my intention. My purpose is that I feel that people should know the truth about me. The REAL truth. Most of you see me in church and see the smile on my face, but it is not a smile with a meaning that you think it is. It is a smile that represents me keep fighting and striving to stay above water. It means that I have not allowed the ocean's current to pull me under, no matter how tempting that may be. Since there might be questions on how I am doing, I thought that I would satisfy everyone's curiosity. I am not alright. But I am being carried by my Savior. Please do not get me wrong. Just because I have these strong emotions does not mean that I have given up on my strong faith in who God has and will be to me. I have not abandoned my faith in the slightest bit. If anything, I have grown stronger. I am just in a continual entrapment in which I pray everyday that God would not leave me alone to handle. I know and have COMPLETE faith that He will deliver me from the mouth of the lion! But until that day, I can only pray that He hears my cry and attends to me while in my darkest of sufferings.

With Him as my rock,
Brittany